Derrr....what the?!

Woof.  So many things have led me to scratch my head over the past few weeks and say....um...what the ____ (fill in the blank).  I'm sure some of them you've stumbled upon...but I'm sharing anyway because it's my blog and I can do what I want to.  Here are just a few...

1. Have you ever noticed when you go to the hair dresser and you tell them you want to do something totally different they look at you and say, "well what are you thinking?"  Sir or Ma'am...this is why I come to you.  You went to school for this shit, aren't you supposed to know what's in and what will or will not look good on me?  You don't go to the doctor (or your lovely PA) and tell them what your diagnosis is and what medicine to prescribe.  That's my job.  And it's your job to tell me what you think will look fabulous on me.  On a side note, I love my hair dresser.  This is just a random thought that I had recently from hair stylists in the past.

2.  While we're on the topic of beauty....an eight year old getting Botox for wrinkles?!  Seriously?!  SRSLY?!  WTF is this psychotic mother thinking?!  Child, please.  There is no way you have flipping wrinkles at eight years old.  I would put money on it that this child is going to end up anorexic and on drugs.  My biggest fear at eight years old was whether or not the boy who sat next to me in class picking his nose gave me cooties or not, not whether or not I had a wrinkle or two.  I'm the one who needs a little Botox.  Give me a break and go play in the sand box or something.  

3.  So I've done a crap load of driving over the past few months.  STL to Danville to STL to KC to Pitt to KC to Manhattan to KC.  You get the point.  Did everyone forget how to drive?  LEFT LANE FOR PASSING ONLY.  Apparently the 9,000 drivers I've encountered over the past few months can't read that street sign.  It makes me so angry when I'm cruising down the highway and I have to flippin' put on my breaks thus canceling my cruise control  because some retard driver pulls in to the lane in front of me and takes their jolly ass time.  SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT.  Please keep this in mind next time you're driving down the highway or I'm probably going to rear end your turtle bumper.

4.  Strong is the new skinny?  Ok, that's legit...I guess.  But is it just me or is this chick on the skinny side as well?  If strong is the new skinny, shouldn't the advertisement be of a woman who is maybe a little more "big boned" to make the chubbies feel better that they can bench 125 lbs?  Don't get me wrong, her body is hot.  But I'm just a little confused.  Just sayin'....

5. We've all made the mistake once or twice of showing our bra straps.  Before the multifunctional straps that can be attached and reattached 5,000 different ways, it was sometimes difficult to cover your bra straps when wearing a racer back tee or a spaghetti string shirt. And well, strapless bras straight up SUCK and I'm positive they were invented by some man who has never worn a bra in his life.  There's really no excuse these days.  So, just an FYI...I really don't want to see your PINK Vicky's bra straps even if they match your stupid dress with PINK plastered on the ass that I'm pretty sure was intended to be a nighty worn in the privacy of your own home.  It reminds me of the fad when it was "cool"(and I use that term VERY lightly) to show your g-string out of your jeans.  I hope this chick enjoyed her movie.

6.  Holy dirty dot (aka Wyandotte county).  Is this car for real?!  Stab me in the eye.  Aren't we over the vampire fad yet?!  Dear Hey-Sus.  This is just embarrassing.  Even funnier...after I snapped this pic at a stop light and passed this car shaking my head and giggling, I realized the driver...was a dude...probably Twilight Mom's 3rd baby daddy.  So you're obsessed with the Twilight Saga...that's fine...I get obsessions.  But to plaster it on your car?!  Even my most obsessed friend, Ren wouldn't be caught dead with this shit on her car.  Somethings are meant to be kept to yourself.  I guess when your child doesn't bring home honor roll bumper stickers or decals, you gotta fill the windows with something...

Phew...I feel so much better now that I've gotten all of that off my chest.

-Stay Sassy, xo

I'm Baaacckkkk

Another six weeks is over which also means my DanVegas sightings and Royal Donut days are over.  I am back in Kansas City for 6 weeks and couldn't be more excited.  My life is pure HAPPINESS right now!

Photo courtesy of
www.brooksiderbarandgrill.com

To The Brooksider:  Thank you for the wonderful welcome back last night and for over serving me.  You never cease to amaze my liver with your endless amounts of Vodka Redbulls and tequila shots.  I will admit, you got me good last night - HUGE shout out and massive THANK YOU to Erica for being kind enough to lend me a hair tie and pat my back while dry heaving....sorry TMI.  But, on a slightly more positive note... I have great news to report.  I didn't get kicked out!!  As many of you may or may not know, I've ran my mouth once or twice.  I'm really good at getting accused of doing crazy things like throwing drinks (WAS NOT ME) and ice (yea, that was me - but we were playing catch).  I look forward to many more dance offs in the Boom Boom Room dancing around like a high schooler on the verge of losing her virginity.

Welcome back toast!

Jay, Me and Abra

To My Friends: I couldn't be happier to be back in KC for the next 6 weeks and am so excited to see everyone more frequently!  Dallas is going to have some big shoes to fill this summer to get me to leave you all and move there.  You all are what makes me love Kansas City so much.  I love my friends and I love, love, love being constantly surrounded by Jayhawks.  I'm still getting used to not freaking out when I see Jayhawk anything on other cars.  I love the feeling of being home, knowing where I'm going and seeing familiar faces no matter what hot spot I decide to frequent (which btw, I need to try all the new restaurants while I'm here, so let's get started).  So here's to many more evenings of fun and laughter together.  Cheers!

-Stay Sassy, xo

P.S. Usama bin Laden is dead.  Hopefully Donald Trump will accept that spelling.  

Hey Fatty, Take the STAIRS!

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss I take the elevator one floor:

We all know, in general, Americans are FAT...and I clearly do not mean PHAT.  It's quite disgusting and disturbing to me, not only as a healthcare professional, but also because I have my own issues with food.  Nothing disturbs me more than seeing an overweight person sitting at a stop light shoving a Big Mac down their throat.  I literally almost vomit at the site.  Just sayin'.

In 2009, numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics revealed that more than 34 percent of Americans are OBESE while 32.7 percent are considered overweight.  I'm going to go ahead and assume you know the difference between overweight, obese and morbidly obese and where those classifications come from - if not, google it.  Anyway - to me it is sad and disturbing more people in American are OBESE than OVERWEIGHT...not to mention 34 + 32.7 = 66.7 ---> 2/3 of our population is FAT.  Goo.

Enough with the statistics lesson.  I think you get the jist of my public health message (after all I do have a MPH).  THIS IS NOT OKAY!  Not many things piss me off too terribly much.  I might get annoyed slightly by various things, but boy do I get heated when I step on an elevator to go up five or more floors and the next person gets on to go up one floor.  It boils my blood so much I can hardly discuss it!  I mean seriously...SRSLY???  Walk your ass up 10 or maybe 20 steps and get that heart rate up.  I don't give a pooey if it takes you ten minutes the first time you attempt it...the more you take the stairs, the easier it will get.  And you just might see some results in your mid-section, too.  Plus, the added benefit - you won't piss the rest of us off and the minute you get off the elevator we won't feel the need to talk about how annoying you are.

Also, don't use that dumb excuse "but it hurts my knees."  You know why your knees hurt?  Not because of the flippin' steps, because of the extra 50-100 pounds your body frame is carrying.  So quit your bitching, take the stairs and pop a NSAID or two until you lose a few pounds and relieve some of the stress off your knees. 

Thank you.

-Stay Sassy, xo

Time Well Wasted

Sometimes, there are things in life that are harder to deal with than others.  There's death, which I might as well be an expert at dealing with by now (considering I've lost a dozen friends my age and all of my grandparents), and then there's life.  This blog isn't my normal sassy, who can I piss off or who have I already pissed off type of blog...it's me being me and needing to breathe.  You might be reading this saying, "why does she have to share it with everyone - why can't she just journal and keep it to herself?"  I'll tell you why, because if I can share my feelings and touch one person's life who is going through a rough time, then my goal is achieved.  I'm a nuturer by nature.

"The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.” 

I used to think breaking up with people was as hard as being broken up with.  Well, that was before I had actually been broken up with...for good.  In my past relationships, i.e. those ones I cared the most about, when it came to the final straw, I was the one pulling the plug.  It went the same way each and every time.  I get broken up with, we get back together, then I make the final decision - it's done.  One of the hardest things ever for me to do was to tell someone who I loved dearly and cared so much about that there was someone else.  I'll never forget that day and my heart still aches for causing him so much pain.

Even harder was the day I was told by that someone else "we're never getting back together."  Stab in the heart.  Gasping for air.  I don't get to talk about my feelings that often because I'm always being the "strong one" giving all the "screw that guy" advice.  But in reality, I struggle taking my own advice.  Luckily, I still have one of the most amazing friends in the world who listens to me each and every time, even though she's probably biting her tongue in misery that I'm bringing him up again.  I know I'm not the only one going through heartaches and I know there are people in the world who are suffering much more than me.  I know I'm not innocent or perfect, but I'm human and I have feelings.  So if you're feeling what I'm feeling, I'd like to share some comforting words with you that she shared with me,

Eventually it will get better and one day you will forget when his birthday is and when your anniversaries were and things will stop reminding you of him.  The end of a relationship is like a death in the family.  It can be super painful and unfortunately you can't just wake up one morning and be okay.  It takes time.

The funny thing about life is how strange it works.  Today alone on two different occasions I've been told how lucky the man in my life must be.  After I tell them there isn't one they look at me like I'm lying through my teeth.  One man offered to set me up with his son.  The other asked me if he could take me out.  Each time I smile and politely say thank you, but no thanks - I'm done with dating right now and focusing on school and myself.  It's flattering and upsetting at the same time.  Granted, this is in Danville and there isn't that great of a selection.  But there's always that feeling of why do these strangers see me in that type of light, yet the one I want to see me like that doesn't?  I'm starting to realize how true the words are, "If you love somebody, let them go.  If they return, they were always yours.  If they don't, they never were."

-Stay Sassy, xo

1,234,984 FB Friends --> RED FLAG

As of today I have 1,418 Facebook friends and believe it or not, I’d put money on it I can remember how I met 99% of the people I’m friends with. But, I’m a girl and I personally believe we have different motives for Facebook than boys do - that's something I won't even get in to.  Moreover, when I log on to Facebook, I check the day’s birthdays (when I remember) and if it’s someone I haven’t spoken to since I met them, I de-friend them. I don’t have the time or energy to go through my entire Facebook list and remove friends in one sitting. And there’s a handful I’d like to de-friend who I’m 100% sure HATED me in high school or whom I never spoke to and who have no need to know about what’s going on in my life, but I don’t want to be a bitch.  So that's what I do. 

Happy Birthday. Unfriend. 

Now, what does this have to do with anything? Well, let me share with you what I’ve been thinking about over the past week. The other night when I was at the Royal Donut here in DanVegas, I was gchatting with one of my besties from KC and catching up. She was telling me all about the new boy she met and how gorgeous he was, blah blah blah – girl talk. Logically, she told me his name so I could fb stalk him. So I did. And yes, I was able to confirm that he was in fact very attractive. That led me to ponder this. Next step – check out his friend list. And that’s when it hit me. She asked me what I thought. And I told her, including the red flag. TWO THOUSAND AND FORTY SIX Facebook friends. Damn.

So I propose this hypothesis. If a guy has more than one thousand Facebook friends, then he is more likely to be a womanizer or player.*  I realize this is not a true scientific experiment, but just go with it.

* College and/or professional athletes do not count because everyone friends them for no apparent reason.

 
"Womanizer: guy who makes zillions of women think he is in love with them and that he is the best guy in the universe but never know he is making 12774763836543 other women think that too." -Urban Dictionary

"Player: a guy who: (1) doesn't understand the meaning of 'relationship'; (2) is in full reproductive mode; (3) is very good at making girls think he is into them (also very proficient at breaking said girls hearts); (4) often "dates" several girls at several schools (girls are often unaware of each other); (5) is an asshole!" - Urban Dictionary

In attempt to prove my hypothesis, I further investigated my Facebook friends and examined the profiles of a few of the guys I could think of off the top of my head who fit this description.  Those descriptors -  likes to party, known to hook up with a lot of chicks (past or present), hot, acts younger than their age etcetera, etcetera.  And there it was - the proof I was looking for.

I’m not going to call anyone out. I’m pretty sure they know who they are without me stating the obvious. But if you don’t believe me, take a look at your friend list. Think of 5-10 guys you know either first hand or through the grapevine that are known for serial dating and/or frequently hooking up with dimes and trolls (you’re the dime, love – clearly). I thought of 10 guys I know though the letter “F” before I quickly got tired of hastily browsing through my fb friends. And just as I suspected. Eight out of ten had more than 1,000 friends with the other two coming in close in the 900s. Moreover, nine of their profile pictures didn’t help their case the slightest. 

For the record, I realize I may be totally off and some of you guys out there with more than 1,000 friends may be happily in a relationship or married. But I bet most of you were known around the Hawk or your respective college bar for one reason or another. 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Maybe even a thousand or more Facebook friends as well.

-Stay Sassy, xo 

SPOTTED: DanVegas, Week Two

"Check us out on Facebook" but only after
you come in, buy a donut or a dozen, a cup
of joe and use our free wifi.

Life in Danville continues to be more interesting every day.  It has been an experience thus far, to say the least.  On Friday, as mentioned previously, I made my way to BWW for basketball and beers.  The night couldn't have ended any better for a Friday night in Danville.  Shortly after blogging and enjoying my fried pickles and Jayhawk win over Richmond, I offered my table to the group next to me who had sparked conversation with me based on my Jayhawk shirt.  A few beers later I had four new friends - Derek, Laura, Allen and Nancy - and of course Derek and Laura's two teenage sons.  I learned all about the town of Danville including where not to go, which happens to be only a few blocks from the VA.  Awesome.  They were the sweetest people and even picked up my tab.  Derek and Laura again invited me over Sunday for more basketball and welcomed me like I was one of their own (even though I was the only one rooting for the Jayhawks - tough loss in a room where everyone is rooting against you).  Big thanks to them for making me feel at home hundreds of miles from home!  

I've had my eye out for a few DanVegas sitings and here are a few I stumbled across today.  Enjoy!

Clearance??  At Family DOLLAR?  Dear hey-sus, how much cheaper can it get?

Something about a restaurant in Danville named "Wiener Works" 
makes me not want to have a "Wiener" near my mouth any time soon...
no matter what kind it is or what special toppings they offer.

There you have it America - day old Coconut Pie for $3.31....and yes, it includes
a free coffee with ENDLESS refills.  I bring my own Fat Free Coffee-mate and
Splenda to cut down on the true dairy cream they offer here.

JoAnn the "Donut Queen" slinging donuts - 
I just found out not only was she a "dancer"
back in her younger days (not a stripper)
she also wanted to be a nun and her family
was in the mafia...oh man.

Finally, props to the Queen of Donuts, Miss JoAnn (employee for 8 years and who apparently was going to be a nun) working the counter today at the Royal Donut.  She keeps everyone's coffee cups filled and moves as fast as that 65+ year old body will let her.  God Bless her.  She seems like my kind of woman - a little firecracker.  I've heard her drop a few curse words talking to the locals and she even chased a few hoosiers (as they call hooligans in this area) out who were causing a ruckus.  I kindly asked her what pie she suggested - Lemon Meringue or Coconut and she responded, "I don't like any of em."  Well then. I should have taken the hint and stuck to the donuts as the slice of pie was far from decadent.  I'll remember that next time.

Lovin' America, lovin' DanVegas, JoAnn and the Royal Donut.

-Stay Sassy, xo

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T...Do You Know What that Means?

So here I am, sitting at a bar...all alone...in the lovely town of Danville. At the rate I'm going, I'm going to be a regular at Buffalo Wild Wings. Just as I predicted, I'm posted up, at my own table, with a Coors Light, a dash of salt, Fried Pickles...and my computer. I'm not sure if the stares that I am getting are because a.) I'm alone; b.) I'm using my computer; c.) I'm wearing a JAYHAWK shirt; or d.) all of the above. My shirt alone is enough to get a rise out of someone considering I'm only 30 minutes from the University of Illinois (where Bill Self coached before KU and our most recent opponent, who we BEAT - as if you weren't aware). I promise you, I'm wearing my Jayhawk shirt with PRIDE!!

I'd say my stats are pretty good. Since I've been here, I've made friends with the next table - although our conversation started with a Jayhawk insult and some guy just asked me for my number. I politely turned him down. And just for the record - he had all his teeth.

Lovin' America, Buffalo Wild Wings and lovin' my Jayhawks on the corner TV in the back.

-Stay Sassy, xo

Tales from the Crypt Keeper

If my life were a movie, it would be a thriller.  I am living on the set of a horror movie.  Picture yourself in one of those cheesy "Please don't kill me, Mr. Scary Man" soft porn horror movies.  That is my life. Don't believe me, check this out for yourself.

Ch-ch-ch-ch Ka-ka-ka-ka

Friday the 13th

*and notice...No 3G Network (probably no 4G for that matter)

Danville VA
 Hospital?  Or Colonial Mansion/Haunted House?

Lucky for me, due to some mishaps at the STL John Cochran VA, I was sent to Danville with another classmate.  She arrived in Danville before me so I gave her the code to my pad-locked room and these are the pictures she sent me so I knew what I would be arriving to...

Building 35
My home?  Or a Half-Way House?

Yep....this is my room!  Numero 6.

Be VERY, VERY Jealous.  I'm living in the dorms again.
And yes, I do have shower shoes.

The first time I sat down on my bed (after I'd covered it in 14 layers of sheets of course), it almost sunk to the ground and I nearly fell off.  I don't even think that thing is classified as a mattress.  I'm not sure if any of you have ever felt a hospital mattress, but this is pretty much what it is.  But, the good news, if I happen to wet the bed, it will wipe right off!

Nate Berkus - eat your mother f'in heart out!

Lovin' life in the 'Ville and lovin' America.

-Stay Sassy, xo

Greetings from the ROYAL DONUT

Image courtesy of the Royal Donut

Have you been wondering where I am (which I'm sure ALLLLL of you have)?  Well no worries - I'm alive and currently at one of three locations in the great establishment of Danville, IL that has wireless internet.  Yes.  You read correct.  One of ONLY THREE places with wireless internet.  So, with that being said, over the next 6 weeks, you may not hear much from me.  My establishment here is without internet so I must pack up my Mac and make the drive to one of two Royal Donut locations for a little internet time, a coffee and at least one calorie filled donut.  While I'm making no claim to beauty, I can guarantee the gentlemen here won't mind the 50 pounds I'm going to be putting on thanks to the Royal Donut.  Wireless is only available to customers meaning I MUST make a 78 cent purchase in order to use the net and write to you.  My donut clerk is a gem.  She has a lisp and moves about as fast as a snail.  Since I've been here, there have been approximately 5 customers (mostly via the drive through) and I'm pretty sure I'm at the  "busy" location.

I don't even know what to say.  If you're not 'Merican, 
you don't deserve to own a liquor store.
*Actual Danville, USA sighting.
I went back around the block to snap
this gem.

Over the next 6 weeks I hope to share some stories of living the "simpler" life here in Danville.  I'm guaranteed to stumble across a few interesting stories and sightings.  For starters, let me give you an idea of the life I'm living here.   Last night my housemates and I went out for a special dinner (to say goodbye to another PA Student from Western Michigan).  The location for that special dinner...Buffalo Wild Wings.  Yep.  B-dubs is considered a delicacy in Danville.  Your only other option for a nice dinner out...Garfield's.  I'm planning to post up at the bar tomorrow night at B-dubs in my KU gear to cheer on my Jayhawks from this sh*t hole town...alone.  I'm sure I'll meet some handsome chap, hopefully with all his teeth and no B.O.  This place is so run down and depressing that none of the students stick around on the weekend.  Well, no one except for me that is.  I'm going to tough it out in our giant house all alone.  Maybe make the 30 minutes "trip" to Champaign - one of the nurses at the VA told me they have a Chili's there...AND A JC PENNEY'S!!!  Booyah!  And that's a step up from this shanty.  Stay tuned.  I'll let you know how it goes.

So here's to six weeks in Danville and loving America.

-Stay Sassy, xo