missing love.

I miss being madly in love.

"I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped." - Fritz Perls

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -Neil Gaiman

 

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."

 

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.” -Swedish Proverb

 

“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.” -Julie de Lespinasse



“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”

-Stay Sassy, xo

Dear KC Part II

Dear KC -

I know I left you hanging with my last post, but I had some things to finish up.  I've loved, loved, LOVED being back in Kansas City.  Being back with friends has been more than amazing and so much fun, to say the very least.  With many of you, it was like I was never gone.  We immediately picked right back up where we left off and I feel like I was never gone.  Thanks to the many welcome back drinks and shots, I think I may have gained a small percentage of my tolerance back that I seemed to have lost over the past two years in PA School.  I wish I could individually thank each and every one of you, but I know I'd inadvertently miss someone and then, boom...I'm the bad guy.  Many of you I didn't get to hang out with nearly enough and some of you I didn't even get to see.  I wish I had more time.

Now on to the lessons in love/lust I've been taught and/or reminded of.

KC, over the past 6 weeks you taught me what it means to "hang out."  Last time I checked, when you asked someone if they wanted to hang out, that meant you wanted to spend time with them, get to know them better...and maybe stay sober.  Apparently, not anymore.  I felt like I was singing another verse in that stupid Tim McGraw song, Back When.  NEWS FLASH..."Hang out" is now code for, "Hey do you want to come over so I can have sex with you?"  Total letdown.  I actually kind of liked this guy - which is actually huge for me considering I've been anti-boys for the past year - until I realized he only wanted to "hang out" the second way and not the first.  Woof.  

You also reminded me meeting love interests happens when you least expect it.  Except, even when you least expect it, timing is still everything.  I met plaid shirt guy one random Thursday night at Kona Grill.  We had been eyeing each other all night and he was yet to approach me.  A few glasses of wine later and after a pep talk from a friend, I decided to make the first move and approach him.  We had wonderful conversation and plaid shirt was really impressing me.  Until I found out he was moving to Chicago.  Bummer.  

We went out on a date anyway and it was amazing.  Complete gentleman.  Smart. Successful.  Really seemed like he had his shit together.  So we hung out a second time before he left - and by that I mean the first definition of hanging out - what I thought hanging out was...sober.  He kept saying all these sweet things to me and acted like he was totally in to me asking about my life, my career, etc.  He even shared with me how he told his boss and his boss's wife all about me (I mean I am kind of a big deal).  Plans of a trip to Chicago were spoken of leading me to believe he wanted to continue talking after he left to see what could happen.  After all, STL is closer to Chicago than KC - which he actually pointed out.  Yea, right...I almost believed it.  Since, the only time I've heard from him was when I texted him to make sure he made it to Chicago okay.  Just as I expected.  Double woof.

So KC, I guess it comes down to this.  We have a love-hate relationship with one another.  I love you for my friends and being close to my family.  I love you for the Plaza and the Falloon.  I love you for First Fridays and Sol Cantina.  I love you for Prairie Village, Mission Hills and the Zinn's.  I love you for reminding me how far I've come over the past two years. But I hate you for my love life - or lack there of.  So that leaves me with this... 

...Bring it on Dallas.  Show me the sweet southern gentleman I deserve.  I'm ready.

-Stay Sassy, xo

Dear KC Part I

Dear KC -

Thank you for ALMOST restoring my faith in relationships, men...and I dare I say it...l-l-l-l...nope can't do it.  For about 10 days I almost thought I'd met a few decent chaps...turns out their crap like the rest of them.  Sorry boys.

Proof and stories still to come.  I'm overwhelmed this week working on my massive project I'll be presenting Friday as part of my requirements for the PA Program at SLU in front of the entire faculty and PA Program - both 2011s (me) and the 2012s.  WOOF.

Love to you all...well most of you.

-Stay Sassy, xo

In love with love, but not that in love

"She’s not the type of girl to wait by the phone, she won’t cry, she knows it’ll get her nowhere, she’ll laugh a lot and often, and she will live her own life. She would like you to be a part of it, but she will do just fine without you." [via little reminders of love]

"In life, we do things. Some, we wish we had never done and some we wish we could replay a million times. They make us who we are and, in the end, they shape and detail us. If we were to reserve them, we wouldn’t be the person we are today. So, just live. Make mistakes and have wonderful memories. But, never second guess who you are, where you’ve been and, most importantly, where you’re going." -unknown

[via] 

"The last thing he said to me was, 'By the way, you look beautiful tonight.'  I don't even remember the last time a guy called me beautiful and not hot.  To be called beautiful is so much more." -me

-Stay Sassy, xo

This has gotta be the good life...

My weekend was full of pure happiness. Friday night I spent the evening with my kiddos Otto, Greta, Liesl and Gunnar. Not many things make me happier than to see their faces and their smiles. Saturday morning I had the pleasure of making the drive home to participate in the Get Busy Livin' | Dylan Meier Foundation | 5K run...which I unexpectedly placed 3rd in my age group among women and set a new personal record for myself. I then returned to KC to spend a fabulous afternoon in the sun, wearing my derby hat and hanging out with two great friends, Susannah and Dan. We then ventured to our good friend Raph's house whose brother was celebrating his graduation from UMKC School of Law. Such an amazing family. After that I ventured yet again to Bside surrounding myself by my favorites. Sunday was spent enjoying the weather with Miss Marie and reflecting on how truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful mother. How do you define happiness?

Happiness is my life. 

Happiness is a warm spring day with the sun shining down on my back.
Happiness is taking my little one on a walk and smelling fresh cut grass.
Happiness is waking up at 6:30 to start getting ready for the day, calling my doctor and him telling me I don't need to come in until 10:00.
Happiness is lying in bed for an extra hour and cuddling with my snuggle bunny, Marley.
Happiness is lying in bed listening to Pandora and discovering amazing new artists.
Happiness is being surrounded by friends and family.
Happiness is being back home surrounded by a wondrous community to remember DQM.
Happiness is seeing his family smile knowing he would be so proud.
Happiness is unexpectedly winning an award.
Happiness is being welcomed in to someone else's family and being treated as one of their own.
Happiness is seeing a mother so proud of her child.
Happiness is being back in KC.
Happiness is a wearing big derby hat.
Happiness is sitting on the deck in the sun sipping on Sangria and catching up with old friends.
Happiness is hearing the birds chirp outside my window.
Happiness is a run outside.
Happiness is seeing my kiddos and being greeted with a big hug and a kiss.
Happiness is making them laugh.
Happiness is reading them a book before bed.
Happiness is the smell of fresh, clean sheets.
Happiness is owning and loving my singleness and independence.
Happiness is looking in the mirror and feeling beautiful.
Happiness is being thankful for what God has given me.
Happiness is me being me.

This has gotta be THE GOOD LIFE.

-Stay Sassy, xo

The Mind of a Man

"If you’re not married, or single, or unhappy, then life is working out as it should."  -John DeVore

This article/blog couldn't have been posted at a more appropriate time. Not only did my frisky loving junky friend send me the link to this article, but it was also the subject of my weekly frisky blast email update. Again, you can read the article in it's entirety here, but I wanted to comment on a few of the things the author, John DeVore, reminded me of.  He writes:

The reason you’re not married yet is because I don’t really care why you’re not married and no one else does, either. Seriously, nobody cares. You shouldn’t care. Marriage isn’t a tiara. It’s not a ribbon to cut or one of those big novelty lottery checks. You don’t “deserve” a husband. You’re not Veruca Salt. You should be happy with whatever life gives you, because the only thing you truly “deserve” is a grave, although there just aren’t enough funeral pyres in these modern times. But I don’t want you to freak out. If you’re not married, or single, or unhappy, then life is working out as it should. No one has a right to happiness. As Americans, we only have a right to the pursuit of happiness. This explains why we love cars so much. The road trip is more important than the tourist trap. Enjoy the view. Roll down the window.

You’re not married because that’s not where you are in the story of your life right now. Take a moment to breathe. Put your feet up. [...]  Wherever you are in life, really, that’s where you’re supposed to be. That’s not some hippie jive talk. That is the truth.

I will admit, I've caught myself obsessing over the "woe is me" a handful of times.  But lately, it's been others pushing me to pursue dating that has really annoyed me.  I've thought about blogging about this in the past but never got around to it.  Why is it everyone thinks I need someone?  Why can't people just get it through their heads that I am totally fine being single right now.  I could care less if I have a date this week or not or if I meet someone out at the bars to buy my drinks.  Honestly, I am so happy and content with my life right now I know it's right where I am supposed to be.  For years, and I'm talking YEARS I have been in and out of relationships like no body's business.  Starting in preschool.

Boys NEVER had cooties in my eyes.  My boyfriend in elementary was named Jake (be it childish or not, I was "taken").  He was my boyfriend starting in 1st grade through the 5th grade. It was super serious.  He was my guarnatneed couples skate partner which meant I could actually hold his hand for 3 minutes...6 minutes if we were lucky enough for them to play two songs at our monthly school skates.  He bought me Valentine's and Christmas gifts.  We were the "it" couple of Lincoln Elementary and we may have even exchanged a peck or two on the playground after he "caught" me playing chase.  We only broke up once our elementary days were over and there were new fish in the pond as we moved on to Middle School.

My middle school years were less exciting as I was an aero dynamic (as Sharif put it) late developer.  I'm sure you can figure out what that means.  I had random boyfriends here and there, but only the ones who weren't worried about my cup size (or lack there of) and whether or not I would still share my homework with them.  Then in high school it got all serious again as I started dating older boys...with boobs I might add (me, not them).  I met my high school sweetheart sophomore year and continued to date him through my first year of college.  He was then quickly replaced within weeks by my college sweetheart who was then quickly replaced by my Kansas City sweetheart.  See what I mean? 

I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE.  Life is working out as it should.  I have a college degree, a Master's degree and I'm about to have my second Master's degree at the end of this year.  I am supposed to be alone right now and I accept that.  My purpose for dating as little as possible is this - I don't want to get attached to anyone in this crap city because the day I graduate my little ass is G-O-N-E.  Sure it's fun to go to dinner with guys every now and then, but I seriously feel bad.  I don't want to lead anyone on.  So if you're reading this and want to ask me out (or have and now you haven't heard from me), that is why.  Those who I've gone out with, thank you for dinner, drinks and your company.  I truly did enjoy it.  But a relationship just isn't in the cards for me right now.  I'm pretty sure this weekend I used a line that went something like this, "You aren't going to like, call me now are you?"  Yes, including the "like."  But on the other hand, if you've been wanting to ask me out, I'd love to - but know that it probably won't go anywhere - and if you'll let me, I'll even split the bill. 

So thank you John for reminding me, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be in life right now.

-Stay Sassy, xo 

6 Reasons Why I'm Apparently Not Marriage Material

I'll admit, I spend plenty of time reading articles on thefrisky.com about life, love and relationships.  Some of them are quite interesting.  But when my gal pal suggested I check this article out, I wasn't sure what to think.  It's actually from Huffington Post but was linked in an article on the frisky.  First problem - this article is being written by some woman on marriage No. 3, two shy of Chanel's most famous scent No. 5.  This smells fishy - tell me again why I should believe anything you have to say?  Precisely.  You can read the article in its entirety here, but I'm just going to go over her top six reasons why I'm not married.

WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED - TRACY McMILLAN

1. You're a Bitch.

Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife. 

Me? A bitch? No way.  That's the silliest thing I've ever heard!  No one has ever called me a bitch.  Clearly the exact opposite is true.  The word "bitch" no longer even phases me.  But am I really angry at the world?  Hardly.  I don't go out of my way to be a bitch and if I'm a bitch to anyone 8/10 times it's another girl.  Girls are bitches.  Bottom line.  But I can't agree that I'm angry at the world or mean to boys.  That is unless they provoke me.  And if that's the case, they suck anyway and aren't worth my time.  And by the way - It's called being sassy. 

2. You're Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

Shallow?  Okay.  Maybe I'll agree.  But because I'm typically attracted to men taller than myself, I don't think that makes me shallow...only short.  And honestly, I could care less about his bank account - I'll be making my own damn money.  A little extra money never hurt though.  Am I really that shallow just because I want a below the line letter in my last name?  You know, like a "y" or a "g".  I just like the way those look.  And as my gal pal said - she just likes big, strong men.  So what if she wants to marry a professional football player.  A girl can dream right?  
*FYI - the below the line letter thing...only a joke.  Kind of.

3. You're a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

You got me there.  I'm a HUGE slut.  It's crazy how slutty I am.  This couldn't be more far from the truth.  I would never hook up with some rando in a hot tub.  Do you know how many germs circulate in those things?  SICK.  Casual relationships this day in age do not make someone slutty.  Boys get high fives.  Girls get called a slut.  It's dumb.  Own your sexuality and do whatever you want - just be safe.  

4. You're a Liar.

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! 

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

Probably hit the nail on the head with this one.  Of course I can change any guy's mind.  You don't want a relationship right now?  Just wait until you get a taste of me, I'll change your mind.   How many times have you thought that?  DUMBEST THOUGHT EVER.  It's only taken me 9 plus months to start to figure that out.

5. You're Selfish.

If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. 

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

So wrong.  I have a dog.  Might as well be a baby.  I have to feed her.  Take her out to poop and pee --- and clean her ass when she gets dingle berries. Clean up her vomit.  Let her play.  Pay for shots.  Find dog sitters.  It's all the same, right?  I kid...I know what you moms are thinking.  
Seriously though, you can better believe I am thinking about my thighs, outfits and naso-labial folds.  And so are 12,000,0000 other moms out there.  No matter if I'm married, single or in a relationship, the gym will most likely be a part of my regimen.  Including shopping.  And Botox and fillers.  Call me selfish --- whatevs.  I think it's more about me caring about my body, staying healthy and looking my best.  But I doubt that's why I'm not married.

6. You're Not Good Enough.

Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. 

So far from the truth. I never want to date someone who is better looking than me or takes longer than me to get ready.  And I love myself and being who I am.  Maybe I'm hard on myself some days and obsess over a couple pounds I gained or the new wrinkle that seems to have popped up - but what woman doesn't?

So I may be one or more of all of the above. But that's who I am. Take it or leave it. I'm so glad Tracy knows why I'm single - maybe she should take a few minutes and reflect why she's been married three times instead of trying to tell us single girls why we're alone.  Clearly she's the one who doesn't know how to "pick" the right guys.  


The reason I'm not married, engaged, or in a relationship? --- I own my singleness and that's why I'm single. I go on dates and I may kiss a boy here and there. If I wanted more, I could have more. So Tracy, you can take your 6 reasons and shove it.

-Stay Sassy, xo

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

‎"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right."  -Oprah Winfrey

Today I read online that some cultures
wear red undies for good luck on NYE.
So bust out your red panties ladies!

www.victoriassecret.com

Happy New Year to everyone!  One last night to make it right...and if you don't get it right, well, there's always next year!  So go out and have fun.  Kiss a fool.  Have a one night stand (I actually read somewhere girls are more likely to have a one night stand on NYE than any other night of the year - great news for you man whores out there).  Whatever you choose.  I'll be spending my night quietly with some of my favorite people and their babies.  I couldn't be more excited to ring in 2011 in great company without a kiss...unless it's from a kiss on the cheek from my favorite 8-year-old, Otto.

In accordance with the New Year's tradition, I too have taken some time to set goals for 2011...not quite resolutions..but just a few little things I'll be "focusing on."  We'll see how well this works out for me over the next 365 days...Here's to 2011...

• laugh more
• smile more
• spend less money
• cuss less
• eat less
• drink more wine
• wear red lips as frequently as possible
• match my undergarments
• read more books that are not related to medicine
• learn to do something new, maybe knitting?
• abide by the "2-second rule" when driving
• be more green
• travel all over
• facebook less, text less, call more
• edit my fb friend list
• kiss plenty of frogs
• find my prince, maybe...
• love again

-Stay Sassy, xo