6 Reasons Why I'm Apparently Not Marriage Material

I'll admit, I spend plenty of time reading articles on thefrisky.com about life, love and relationships.  Some of them are quite interesting.  But when my gal pal suggested I check this article out, I wasn't sure what to think.  It's actually from Huffington Post but was linked in an article on the frisky.  First problem - this article is being written by some woman on marriage No. 3, two shy of Chanel's most famous scent No. 5.  This smells fishy - tell me again why I should believe anything you have to say?  Precisely.  You can read the article in its entirety here, but I'm just going to go over her top six reasons why I'm not married.

WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED - TRACY McMILLAN

1. You're a Bitch.

Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife. 

Me? A bitch? No way.  That's the silliest thing I've ever heard!  No one has ever called me a bitch.  Clearly the exact opposite is true.  The word "bitch" no longer even phases me.  But am I really angry at the world?  Hardly.  I don't go out of my way to be a bitch and if I'm a bitch to anyone 8/10 times it's another girl.  Girls are bitches.  Bottom line.  But I can't agree that I'm angry at the world or mean to boys.  That is unless they provoke me.  And if that's the case, they suck anyway and aren't worth my time.  And by the way - It's called being sassy. 

2. You're Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

Shallow?  Okay.  Maybe I'll agree.  But because I'm typically attracted to men taller than myself, I don't think that makes me shallow...only short.  And honestly, I could care less about his bank account - I'll be making my own damn money.  A little extra money never hurt though.  Am I really that shallow just because I want a below the line letter in my last name?  You know, like a "y" or a "g".  I just like the way those look.  And as my gal pal said - she just likes big, strong men.  So what if she wants to marry a professional football player.  A girl can dream right?  
*FYI - the below the line letter thing...only a joke.  Kind of.

3. You're a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

You got me there.  I'm a HUGE slut.  It's crazy how slutty I am.  This couldn't be more far from the truth.  I would never hook up with some rando in a hot tub.  Do you know how many germs circulate in those things?  SICK.  Casual relationships this day in age do not make someone slutty.  Boys get high fives.  Girls get called a slut.  It's dumb.  Own your sexuality and do whatever you want - just be safe.  

4. You're a Liar.

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! 

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

Probably hit the nail on the head with this one.  Of course I can change any guy's mind.  You don't want a relationship right now?  Just wait until you get a taste of me, I'll change your mind.   How many times have you thought that?  DUMBEST THOUGHT EVER.  It's only taken me 9 plus months to start to figure that out.

5. You're Selfish.

If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. 

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

So wrong.  I have a dog.  Might as well be a baby.  I have to feed her.  Take her out to poop and pee --- and clean her ass when she gets dingle berries. Clean up her vomit.  Let her play.  Pay for shots.  Find dog sitters.  It's all the same, right?  I kid...I know what you moms are thinking.  
Seriously though, you can better believe I am thinking about my thighs, outfits and naso-labial folds.  And so are 12,000,0000 other moms out there.  No matter if I'm married, single or in a relationship, the gym will most likely be a part of my regimen.  Including shopping.  And Botox and fillers.  Call me selfish --- whatevs.  I think it's more about me caring about my body, staying healthy and looking my best.  But I doubt that's why I'm not married.

6. You're Not Good Enough.

Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. 

So far from the truth. I never want to date someone who is better looking than me or takes longer than me to get ready.  And I love myself and being who I am.  Maybe I'm hard on myself some days and obsess over a couple pounds I gained or the new wrinkle that seems to have popped up - but what woman doesn't?

So I may be one or more of all of the above. But that's who I am. Take it or leave it. I'm so glad Tracy knows why I'm single - maybe she should take a few minutes and reflect why she's been married three times instead of trying to tell us single girls why we're alone.  Clearly she's the one who doesn't know how to "pick" the right guys.  


The reason I'm not married, engaged, or in a relationship? --- I own my singleness and that's why I'm single. I go on dates and I may kiss a boy here and there. If I wanted more, I could have more. So Tracy, you can take your 6 reasons and shove it.

-Stay Sassy, xo