Derrr....what the?!

Woof.  So many things have led me to scratch my head over the past few weeks and say....um...what the ____ (fill in the blank).  I'm sure some of them you've stumbled upon...but I'm sharing anyway because it's my blog and I can do what I want to.  Here are just a few...

1. Have you ever noticed when you go to the hair dresser and you tell them you want to do something totally different they look at you and say, "well what are you thinking?"  Sir or Ma'am...this is why I come to you.  You went to school for this shit, aren't you supposed to know what's in and what will or will not look good on me?  You don't go to the doctor (or your lovely PA) and tell them what your diagnosis is and what medicine to prescribe.  That's my job.  And it's your job to tell me what you think will look fabulous on me.  On a side note, I love my hair dresser.  This is just a random thought that I had recently from hair stylists in the past.

2.  While we're on the topic of beauty....an eight year old getting Botox for wrinkles?!  Seriously?!  SRSLY?!  WTF is this psychotic mother thinking?!  Child, please.  There is no way you have flipping wrinkles at eight years old.  I would put money on it that this child is going to end up anorexic and on drugs.  My biggest fear at eight years old was whether or not the boy who sat next to me in class picking his nose gave me cooties or not, not whether or not I had a wrinkle or two.  I'm the one who needs a little Botox.  Give me a break and go play in the sand box or something.  

3.  So I've done a crap load of driving over the past few months.  STL to Danville to STL to KC to Pitt to KC to Manhattan to KC.  You get the point.  Did everyone forget how to drive?  LEFT LANE FOR PASSING ONLY.  Apparently the 9,000 drivers I've encountered over the past few months can't read that street sign.  It makes me so angry when I'm cruising down the highway and I have to flippin' put on my breaks thus canceling my cruise control  because some retard driver pulls in to the lane in front of me and takes their jolly ass time.  SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT.  Please keep this in mind next time you're driving down the highway or I'm probably going to rear end your turtle bumper.

4.  Strong is the new skinny?  Ok, that's legit...I guess.  But is it just me or is this chick on the skinny side as well?  If strong is the new skinny, shouldn't the advertisement be of a woman who is maybe a little more "big boned" to make the chubbies feel better that they can bench 125 lbs?  Don't get me wrong, her body is hot.  But I'm just a little confused.  Just sayin'....

5. We've all made the mistake once or twice of showing our bra straps.  Before the multifunctional straps that can be attached and reattached 5,000 different ways, it was sometimes difficult to cover your bra straps when wearing a racer back tee or a spaghetti string shirt. And well, strapless bras straight up SUCK and I'm positive they were invented by some man who has never worn a bra in his life.  There's really no excuse these days.  So, just an FYI...I really don't want to see your PINK Vicky's bra straps even if they match your stupid dress with PINK plastered on the ass that I'm pretty sure was intended to be a nighty worn in the privacy of your own home.  It reminds me of the fad when it was "cool"(and I use that term VERY lightly) to show your g-string out of your jeans.  I hope this chick enjoyed her movie.

6.  Holy dirty dot (aka Wyandotte county).  Is this car for real?!  Stab me in the eye.  Aren't we over the vampire fad yet?!  Dear Hey-Sus.  This is just embarrassing.  Even funnier...after I snapped this pic at a stop light and passed this car shaking my head and giggling, I realized the driver...was a dude...probably Twilight Mom's 3rd baby daddy.  So you're obsessed with the Twilight Saga...that's fine...I get obsessions.  But to plaster it on your car?!  Even my most obsessed friend, Ren wouldn't be caught dead with this shit on her car.  Somethings are meant to be kept to yourself.  I guess when your child doesn't bring home honor roll bumper stickers or decals, you gotta fill the windows with something...

Phew...I feel so much better now that I've gotten all of that off my chest.

-Stay Sassy, xo

True Life: I'm Obsessed with Colin Egglesfield

Holy hell in a hand basket. Ladies, if you haven't gone out to see Something Borrowed, I suggest you do so...like NOW. Quit reading this and go. Okay, finish reading first. But seriously. I went and saw the movie last night and within the first minute of the movie I was already having very, very naughty thoughts about Dex (played by Colin Egglesfield). Seriously, where the FUDGE has this man been and why hasn't he been on my radar until now...SRSLY? Talk about mind blowing, little girl tingling GORGEOUS.

I don't want to ruin the story for those of you who haven't seen it, but let's just say if I was Rachel, Darcy never would have stood a chance with Dex.  I would have boom and done, attacked and made him mine in the stacks of the law school library the day he sat next to me in class. No questions asked. 

I attempted a little google search to find out the percentage of women who fantasize about other men while doing that one thing and I couldn't find anything.  There were tons of hits regarding men fantasizing about other women (oh weird), but none the other way around.  Whatever.  If you need some new eye candy, I suggest Colin Egglesfield.  He's sure to get you going in 2.5 seconds.  Just look in to those eyes....aghhhh...

Annnnd, on that note...I have business to take care of.  Roberto is waiting on me.  Check out the video below with the feature song from the movie entitled "Little Too Much" by Natasha Bedingfield.  AND GO SEE THE MOVIE!!!

-Stay Sassy, xo

True Life: It's MY BIRTHDAY

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." - Chili Davis

I'm special.  Campus was closed for me.  I'm snowed/iced in my apartment with my puppy and my mom in the midst of Winter Blast 2011. With all the weather predictions, it better get a lot worse than this and be gone by Friday for my Wiggin' Out Celebration.  But for today, my "Wine Cellar" is stocked.  And my toes are cold.  What better way to celebrate than to look back on my "younger years"...

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years." - Abraham Lincoln

-Stay Sassy, xo

True Life: I'm in Love with Mila Kunis

"Playing coy is silly.  Speak your mind.  If a man gets turned off, he's the wrong man." -Mila Kunis

Mila Kunis....You are my newest lesbian girl crush.  I am far from considering myself a lesbian...or even bisexual...but mygoodness.  Mila Kunis is HOT.  After her dark and mysterious, yet sexually confident role as Lily in "Black Swan" I immediately became infatuated with her.  Her gorgeous big hazel smokey eyes, olive skin and plump DSLs are to die for.  So you can imagine, when I saw her on the cover of February's Cosmo, I just had to purchase it.  I've blogged in the past about women being too aggressive and immodest so when I read her personal interview, I loved her even more.  When asked about dating and playing games, she's quoted as saying "I think playing coy is silly.  Speak your mind.  If a man gets turned off, he's the wrong man."  Amen to that!  I couldn't agree more.  Coy is not my personality.

Moreover, she describes herself as a "sweatpants kind of girl" and she even admits to burping...two things I can relate to.  The minute I get home, the first thing I do is change out of my clothes into a big pair of sweats two sizes too big and a hoodie (although I've recently added a few pieces of lingerie to my wardrobe and have felt quite sexy wearing it for no one but myself).  I've also been known to burp...outloud...gasp.  How unlady-like.  I know.

Finally, another reason I'm crushing...her confidence in her body.  She reportedly lost 20 pounds for the role as a ballerina and hated the way she looked.  She went down to 95 lbs on her 5'3" frame and couldn't stand it.  In an interview with Nylon, she says, "I could see why this industry is so f*cked up...I would literally look at myself in the mirror and I was like, 'Oh my God!' I had no shape, no boobs, no ass...all you saw was the bone.  I was like, 'This looks gross.'  It took me five months to lose 20 punds, but it took me just five days -- days! -- to gain it all back."  In today's stick thin obsessed society, nothing is more refreshing to hear than a star embracing her curves, tits and ass.

If you haven't seen "Black Swan," I suggest you do so.  I loved it.  Not only because I have a dancing background and love ballet, but because it's a good psychological thriller...for any male or female.  And guys, if two hot chicks in a psychological thriller isn't enough for you, you'll at least be entertained by the lesbian sex scene between Mila and Natalie Portman.

-Stay Sassy, xo

True Life: I'm in Dating Detox

I promise this blog is not going to be the journey to me finding my soul mate...I'm actually engaging in Dating Detox (see below).  But is going to be about the so far very intriguing book I received for Christmas, Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate.  I received this book from my favorite sister-in-law after she hoped it would "inspire me" and my blog.  Well it for sure has.  I've blogged about Patti Stanger in the past (read here). I love Millionaire Matchmaker and Patti, so I was super excited to see what she had to say in her book.  

I just finished reading the introduction and Step One: Dating Detox.  While I think I've already been in this stage for the past few months, I'd like to remain here just a little bit longer because I'm loving it!  In Patti's words, during Dating Detox, "Don't even think about going out on a date."  Ok, fine.  I won't.  I'm totally fine with this because I'm getting ready to dive in to the hardest twelve months of my life.  I don't have time for "dating" and all the b.s. that comes with it like wondering when he's going to call or text me next, gchat me, or wonder about whatever the hell he's doing sitting there at his f*cking computer until his name goes idle (don't act like you've never done that ladies). 

And now Patti says, it's time to determine my type.  So, according to Patti, I start with the last few guys I've dated.  They each get 5 qualities I loved/liked about them, and 5 qualities that made me want to shove their faces in to a brick wall.  Here it goes...(no specific order of course to obscure any identities):

Likes:

1. Funny
2. Always paid for dates (said it was his duty)
3. Successful
4. Tall
5. Educated
6. Handsome
7. Amazing cook (could also lead to weight gain)
8. Smart
9. Grounded
10. Amazing sex*
11. Chivalrous
12. Romantic
13. Pleasing
14. Loved traveling
15. Educated
16. Outgoing
17. Tall
18. Educated
19. Athletic
20. Gentleman 

Dislikes:

1. Immature
2. Sketchy
3. Drank too much
4. Not aggressive enough
5. Smoker
6. Unemotional
7. Closed off
8. Jaded
9. Blunt
10. Selfish
11. Mama's Boy
12. Fake
13. Label obsessed
14. Bull shitter
15. Immature
16. Smoker
17. Too quiet
18. Lacked confidence
19. Known serial dater
20. Partied...A LOT 

So from that Patti, I conclude um...not much.  Thanks for nothing.  So... I like an educated guy...that was about the only thing they all had in common. I'll leave you with these words in case you do the same exercise and conclude only that you've dated a lot of selfish, immature jackasses:

"It’s usually the smartest ones who take the longest to get married, because they can’t get their minds in sync with their hearts and bodies." - Patti Stanger

I'm hoping to figure it out by the time I'm 30.  I have a little over 3 years to go...it's game on...after detox of course.  Until then, all you handsome suitors out there dying to date me (pshhh...good one, I know, it's funny, right?), I'm taking reservations.  Remember, the best restaurants are booked weeks in advance, why not me?**  And until then, I'm thinking of myself like a great wine.  For sure a Pinot Noir.  According to About.Com, "Pinot Noir may be the toughest grape to grow, but the effort is often well worth the constant care and investment."  Sounds about right and I promise, as all (or a few) of my exes are kicking themselves for being dumb, the right guy will already have realized I'm well worth the investment...when I'm ready for him, of course.  Plus, I'm only getting better and more valuable with age.**

-Stay Sassy, xo

*Sorry to disappoint anyone who thought I was holding out until marriage.  It is 2010.

**Text adapted from Patti Stanger's book, Become Your Own Matchmaker

True Life: I have PGV

PGV | Party Girl Voice | NOT an STD

I would like to introduce you to a new term I heard while driving home from class recently.  I frequently have my XM radio tuned to Cosmo Radio and this day in particular Cocktails with Patrick was airing.  I cannot recall the exact conversation, but Patrick was either talking to a caller with PGV or was talking about PGV.  


What is PGV you ask?  Party Girl Voice is an interesting attribution not all females can possess.  Those who are lucky enough to acquire PGV are very distinct in themselves.  You've probably all heard it.  And if you've ever spent a weekend with me, you are sure to know what I'm talking about.  If you haven't ever encountered PGV, let me describe it to you.  PGV is a sure sign of a great weekend.  After spending this past weekend in Vail, CO skiing and hanging out with my college roomie, I returned to STL sporting PGV.  Typically, I start developing PGV late in the evening after a few Jack Daniels cocktails (or any cocktail for that matter).  By the end of the night I sound like I've smoked 10 packs of cigarettes (I am not a smoker) and sometimes can barely get a word out.  It takes skill to perfect PGV.  Lots of dancing and having lots of fun!  It does not necessarily limit itself to the holidays and cold winter months, but with holiday parties, NYE and no school for me, it's sure to make an appearance more frequently.


One of the most infamous PGVs is that of Kristin Cavallari.  I can specifically remember an episode of The Hills when the group heads to Miami for the Super Bowl.  Kristin stays out partying all night and precisely displays the raspy voice characteristic of PGV with perfection.  Kristin has been known to enjoy herself out and about in LA and cities across the United States.  And who can blame her?  She's hot.  And she's young.  She deserves to live it up while she can.  There's always time to settle down in the future.  But for now, rock that PGV, Kristin.  And own it! 


That brings me to this...I've heard conflicting reactions to PGV.  My question to you...trashy? Or sassy?  Either way it doesn't really matter.  I can't really control it no matter how hydrated I stay or how much I talk while out at the bars.  This past weekend, Kel and I encountered some guys in Vail who couldn't get enough of it and thought it was awesome we sounded like men.  They may also have been gay...I'm not sure.  This wasn't the first time we've been together and have been approached regarding our voices.  We frequently encountered the same situations all throughout college and continue to any time we get together.  Bottom line whether you find it attractive or not, PGV is a sure sign of a good weekend with my best friend.


-Stay Sassy, xo


Still not sure what exactly PGV is...check out this clip from The Hills

The Hills - MTV Shows

True Life: I'M GETTING MARRIED!

Can you believe it?!  I'm making it BLOG official!!!  I am getting MARRIED!!!  

GET REAL!  I am so far from getting engaged it's not even funny.  But my future engagement ring is so pretty isn't it?  As we all know, with the holidays comes Facebook announcements of couples all over the world getting engaged.  I swear every day I log on, someone else is engaged and I am again reminded I am not.  In years past it annoyed me.  But this year it's different.  This year instead of me telling everyone congrats and smiling but inside feeling jealousy towards the huge rock the latest person just received, I am personally content with my life and where I am.  YES I am almost 27 years old and YES I am 100% single and NO I have no desire to be with anyone right now except for my battery operated friend, Hiroshima.  The only person I'm in a monogamous relationship with is myself!  But the glory of it all, I AM IN LOVE WITH IT!  I have finally fallen in love with myself and couldn't be happier.  Singleness has brought me a completely new perspective on life and I have finally learned to love it.  I have gained so much independence and insight over the past 8 months it's unbelievable.  Someone who shall remain nameless attempted to belittle me by telling me because I go home alone at night, "the joke is on me."  But the sad part of that statement is how pathetic it is to judge happiness based on whether or not you have someone to go home to.  Joke is actually on YOU because you rely on "man" to make you happy.  And you're a mean girl, so clearly you suck.

Doesn't it look good on me?
www.tivol.com

I never realized how important it was to love yourself before you can love someone else and I am finally there.  So, congrats to all of you who are recently engaged (especially my best friend from high school, Ashley).  I can finally say I am truly SO happy for YOU and all the other engagements to come (specifically for the celebrations to follow).  But I am MORE HAPPY FOR ME!  And just for future references, IF my future husband is reading this blog right now, here is the ring I expect when I finally find you.  And just so you know, it can be found at Tivol in Kansas City for the small fee of $60,000.  Also, I'd like an engagement party immediately following (a surprise of course) with all of my best friends to celebrate...

-Stay Sassy, xo


P.S. A special shout out to whoever it was who called me and left me a voicemail singing a romantic country song.  It was very sweet and I wish I could thank you.  But considering you blocked your number, I cannot do that.  So, thank you.

True Life: I'm obsessed with undies

Fifty.  Yes that's right...five-oh.  And yes I counted.  That's not even including what was in the wash or the dirty clothes the morning I decided to count them all.  I think it's safe to say that I have a slight obsession with undies. Mom, before you freak out and think I just went on a shopping spree and bought ten new pairs of undies at Vickie's...I'll let you know...I haven't.  I just find it hard to get rid of underwear.  Needless to say, they really aren't the type of thing that you can donate to Goodwill, nor can you sell them in a garage sale.  Well, I guess technically you could, but that's just plain sick.  So basically, when you determine it's time to get rid of a pair...whatever your strategy may be...you have to toss them in the trash...and that's like throwing money away!

I did the math...I could survive for more than
two months on my undies collection.
Photo courtesy of www.victoriassecret.com

In my defense, underwear are clearly a necessity.  Not only do you practically need a pair every day, but you also have to take in to consideration what your outfit is.  Every girl has a wide variety of undergarments.  Not only do we have cheekies (my personal fave), boy shorts, thongs, hip huggers, and the plain 'ol bikini...we also have to have them in various colors as to not show through certain outfits.  I love sexy little things and Vickie's clearly knows I'm a sucker for their "sexy steals."  You know you can't just pick up one pair when they ALWAYS have the 3/$30 or 5/$25 staring at you in the face.  And it's not hard for anyone to find 3 patterns to love.  Plus, you can't deny the way a sexy pair of underwear has the potential to make you feel.  Even though no one should be able to see them (see below), just personally knowing what you have on underneath is fun.

I clearly love undies...and I'm sure there's someone out there who is more fashionable underneath their clothes than I am.  Props.  BUT I don't love undies enough to let everyone know I have them on...I cannot stand underwear lines.  Specifically with leggings and spandex.  Ladies...seriously.  Even if you think you're doing justice by wearing a thong...if I can still see your thong line, I gag...no matter how skinny you think your ass is or it actually is.  Even more annoying...when girls wear spandex to work out in with underwear.  I just don't get it.  Spandex is already drawing attention to that area...and then you have to accentuate it with nasty underwear lines?  Most athletic pants come with built in protection...you don't need to double wrap it.  If you want to wear underwear, that's great.  But save us the double bubble ass cheeks and leave your spandex at home.

-Stay Sassy, xo